Such a sensitive piece Colin . I had wonderful parents , I was so blessed but I saw in my grandmother the devastating and long lasting affects a cruel and uncaring father can leave . So good you forgive now but it’s not so easy to forget xx
Thank you Sarah :-) One important thing is to notice when a parent is cruel to you but not to do the same to your own children. Otherwise it builds generational trauma. Someone has to stop the cycle. Everything in life is a lesson and helps you grow. xx
I think, even when we've had wonderful parents, there are always things we choose to do differently for our own children. You are such a gentle soul, you were always going to grow up into a kind and warm human being. xx
Oh I totally relate to this. I also was scared of my dad. He would storm down the stairs and hit us when we made too much noise. I understand where it comes from, and I know things have changed in recent years, but I still think that that is not an excuse. Which is why I wish everyone would sort themselves out at least to a certain degree, before having kids...
Yes, I had exactly the same experience and to this day I still get anxious and quite frankly angry when people make a lot of noise. People definitely need to do work on themselves before having kids.
I am not sure if you have read Nelson Mandela's book but I seriously think that every politician should go to jail for 20 years to read, learn humility and empathy before they get to sit in office.
Thanks for sharing this Colin, and as you know, I totally relate. I'm glad that you made the effort to let go of the chains of resentment that tied you to your father. It's obvious that you are better off for it, but I'm sad that you never got to enjoy a relationship with your father.
I hope that your story gets out to young fathers and that they might be inspired to work on themselves so that they can have better and more authentic relationships with their children.
“And once I understood his journey, then I fully understand why he was the way he was.”
Same with mine, Colin. His twin was always favoured over him and then the twin died in an accident and he felt lots of guilt over that.
I’m glad you are healing and sad you could not have the relationship you wanted with him. I hope you have found what you needed elsewhere to the best you could. Love to you X
Thank you for this article🙏 & adding the audio. Sometimes I like to hear the texts & a real human voice feels so much better / soothing in your 'case'.🙂
I had a similar Dad and second husband. I chose the familiar. A friend of mine once said - in response to my compassion about his abusive upbringing- "I understand he had a rough upbringing but why do you have to be his whipping boy?" That woke me up. I left him shortly after. It would take another 15 years for me to leave my dad after yet another horribly abusive encounter. I am sorry they had horrible childhoods, and I understand the impacts. But for my own safety I need to get off the train tracks.
I think everything in life is a lesson. We go through that experience to ultimately help others. Or perhaps it takes us a long time to understand the lesson 🤷🏼♂️ either way, no one, including family has the right to be in your life unless they’re a positive influence. Sorry you experienced this Sharon but hope you’re in a much better place now.
Your dad passed a very valuable lesson on to you -- the importance of your words and actions towards your children. It would have been more enjoyable and fulfilling for both of you if he taught you the lesson through his relationship with you, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Nevertheless, you are highly motivated to share this lesson with others. Sometimes we receive beautiful gifts from our parents, but they don't come wrapped in the package we hoped and longed for.
Your dad also gave you a foundation that taught you to value forgiveness. As parents we all mess up and fall short of the mark. The very best we can hope for is that our children will look back and recognize our intentions were not malicious and they will forgive us for our shortcomings.
This was a wonderful tribute to your father, Colin. You sound like a remarkable man and your dad sounds like he had some amazing qualities. Thank you for sharing this.
To start I know it might be hard but ( looks at picture ) I think You might be adopted - You do not look as Your father ;)
There are few things here, for one You are a bit further than I am - You've forgiven him - I did not.
You said most of parents are not malicious - most - I've got one side that was - not father this time.
Many of us would want things to be different, wishing relation would be better - It's hard innit ?
I understand why You are angry and build boundaries - not wanting to be fedex courier for goods - I understand.
Sometime I think, we are supposed to lean on parents while growing. They are smarter than us, then we grow up, we even out and we outgrow them in most areas of life.
Bird should leave nest - and sometime - we do not have parents in life - as strange as that is.
Animals do that most of the time, it brings us pain because we know what could have been.
I've decided to separate myself and leave far away - to build myself into greater being Man - it's my only chance of sparking light into eyes of father.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really all good. :-) It is with understanding and empathy that you can learn and let go of your past. It can never be changed. All we can do is put our focus onto creating a life we love :-)
we are all f**ked up in some way and it's our parents who f**k us up <--- Agreed! To a certain degree, every family is the same, one way or another. 🤷♀️
As a young boy, I subconsciously saw this suffering and took it on myself. I wanted to relieve him from it. Lessen his burden. You do that when you love someone. <--- Same, the only difference is I took everyone's (in the family) burden upon myself. Luckily, my parents were not superstitious, else they would have blamed me for being a jinx when I was merely 45 days old. The big paycheck from the insurance company probably did me a great favour.🙏
I have absolutely forgiven him for how he treated me. <--- It doesn't matter whether we forgive and forget, what's important is to let go and move forward.😊
That’s one thing I find a little unfair. <--- There is no fairness in this world. Just like an athlete who lose in a competition would blame his lousy shoe until he sees a person without a leg. Or a writer who complain about his poor quality pen until he saw someone without hands. 😢
I know you are not complaining or blaming, just expressing! Please do not shoot the messenger!😁
lol, it’s crossed my mind a few times (adoption) but I don’t think so.
I think that the tougher they are on us, the more in pain they are. I mean, can you imagine being them? I am sure they had regrets and wish they’d done things differently.
But you know, life throws stuff at us and it’s all a learning process. Learning that we would do things differently. Learning that whatever is thrown at us, we will not be a victim and we shall be resilient in the face of adversity later in life.
Yes, I agree. We should be nourished and taught and then leave the nest to be greater. We are lucky for we have seen a side of life that many have not and we have come through it. We’re still standing. And one day, when our strength and resilience is needed, we’ll step up and be there for the world and for others.
Thanks Penny. Yes, being in victim mode for so long didn’t serve me at all.
But I would love to get the message out and teach parents the importance of their words and actions towards their children. ❤️
Thank you Julie. ❤️ it is what it is but it just would have been nice… there are always people worse off than you in this world 🌍 x
Such a sensitive piece Colin . I had wonderful parents , I was so blessed but I saw in my grandmother the devastating and long lasting affects a cruel and uncaring father can leave . So good you forgive now but it’s not so easy to forget xx
Thank you Sarah :-) One important thing is to notice when a parent is cruel to you but not to do the same to your own children. Otherwise it builds generational trauma. Someone has to stop the cycle. Everything in life is a lesson and helps you grow. xx
I think, even when we've had wonderful parents, there are always things we choose to do differently for our own children. You are such a gentle soul, you were always going to grow up into a kind and warm human being. xx
Thank you Sarah :-) xx
Oh I totally relate to this. I also was scared of my dad. He would storm down the stairs and hit us when we made too much noise. I understand where it comes from, and I know things have changed in recent years, but I still think that that is not an excuse. Which is why I wish everyone would sort themselves out at least to a certain degree, before having kids...
Yes, I had exactly the same experience and to this day I still get anxious and quite frankly angry when people make a lot of noise. People definitely need to do work on themselves before having kids.
I am not sure if you have read Nelson Mandela's book but I seriously think that every politician should go to jail for 20 years to read, learn humility and empathy before they get to sit in office.
Oh absolutely!!! I totally agree with you
Thanks for sharing this Colin, and as you know, I totally relate. I'm glad that you made the effort to let go of the chains of resentment that tied you to your father. It's obvious that you are better off for it, but I'm sad that you never got to enjoy a relationship with your father.
I hope that your story gets out to young fathers and that they might be inspired to work on themselves so that they can have better and more authentic relationships with their children.
Many blessings to you!!!
“And once I understood his journey, then I fully understand why he was the way he was.”
Same with mine, Colin. His twin was always favoured over him and then the twin died in an accident and he felt lots of guilt over that.
I’m glad you are healing and sad you could not have the relationship you wanted with him. I hope you have found what you needed elsewhere to the best you could. Love to you X
Wow Colin I'm so sorry. I grew up in Central Africa.
Thanks Joyce 🙏🏼 It’s all good now…
Thank you for this article🙏 & adding the audio. Sometimes I like to hear the texts & a real human voice feels so much better / soothing in your 'case'.🙂
Ah, thank you Marisa. I do struggle to do the audio sometimes but I think it is important to put the effort in :-)
I had a similar Dad and second husband. I chose the familiar. A friend of mine once said - in response to my compassion about his abusive upbringing- "I understand he had a rough upbringing but why do you have to be his whipping boy?" That woke me up. I left him shortly after. It would take another 15 years for me to leave my dad after yet another horribly abusive encounter. I am sorry they had horrible childhoods, and I understand the impacts. But for my own safety I need to get off the train tracks.
I think everything in life is a lesson. We go through that experience to ultimately help others. Or perhaps it takes us a long time to understand the lesson 🤷🏼♂️ either way, no one, including family has the right to be in your life unless they’re a positive influence. Sorry you experienced this Sharon but hope you’re in a much better place now.
Your dad passed a very valuable lesson on to you -- the importance of your words and actions towards your children. It would have been more enjoyable and fulfilling for both of you if he taught you the lesson through his relationship with you, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Nevertheless, you are highly motivated to share this lesson with others. Sometimes we receive beautiful gifts from our parents, but they don't come wrapped in the package we hoped and longed for.
Your dad also gave you a foundation that taught you to value forgiveness. As parents we all mess up and fall short of the mark. The very best we can hope for is that our children will look back and recognize our intentions were not malicious and they will forgive us for our shortcomings.
This was a wonderful tribute to your father, Colin. You sound like a remarkable man and your dad sounds like he had some amazing qualities. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks so much @Lois Thomson Bowersock I appreciate your comments :-)
To start I know it might be hard but ( looks at picture ) I think You might be adopted - You do not look as Your father ;)
There are few things here, for one You are a bit further than I am - You've forgiven him - I did not.
You said most of parents are not malicious - most - I've got one side that was - not father this time.
Many of us would want things to be different, wishing relation would be better - It's hard innit ?
I understand why You are angry and build boundaries - not wanting to be fedex courier for goods - I understand.
Sometime I think, we are supposed to lean on parents while growing. They are smarter than us, then we grow up, we even out and we outgrow them in most areas of life.
Bird should leave nest - and sometime - we do not have parents in life - as strange as that is.
Animals do that most of the time, it brings us pain because we know what could have been.
I've decided to separate myself and leave far away - to build myself into greater being Man - it's my only chance of sparking light into eyes of father.
I hope you know that you are never alone, if you ever feel lonely, please always rmb that I and the ☁️ are always there for you!
Thank you so much ☁️☺️ it’s always comforting to know we are here for one another ❤️
hugs hugs <3
Aw this is breaking my heart 🥹 there is nothing I could ever say to make this any better or easier for you, sending you the biggest virtual hug! 💛
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really all good. :-) It is with understanding and empathy that you can learn and let go of your past. It can never be changed. All we can do is put our focus onto creating a life we love :-)
we are all f**ked up in some way and it's our parents who f**k us up <--- Agreed! To a certain degree, every family is the same, one way or another. 🤷♀️
As a young boy, I subconsciously saw this suffering and took it on myself. I wanted to relieve him from it. Lessen his burden. You do that when you love someone. <--- Same, the only difference is I took everyone's (in the family) burden upon myself. Luckily, my parents were not superstitious, else they would have blamed me for being a jinx when I was merely 45 days old. The big paycheck from the insurance company probably did me a great favour.🙏
I have absolutely forgiven him for how he treated me. <--- It doesn't matter whether we forgive and forget, what's important is to let go and move forward.😊
That’s one thing I find a little unfair. <--- There is no fairness in this world. Just like an athlete who lose in a competition would blame his lousy shoe until he sees a person without a leg. Or a writer who complain about his poor quality pen until he saw someone without hands. 😢
I know you are not complaining or blaming, just expressing! Please do not shoot the messenger!😁
what's important is to let go and move forward.😊 - Yes, 100%
Thank you sis. And you're right, there is no fairness in this world because what is fair to one, makes it unfair to another.
Don't worry, the messenger is fine!! lol... :-)
Phew! The nessenger is safe! Ya da best bro! 👍💪✌️🙏😁
lol, it’s crossed my mind a few times (adoption) but I don’t think so.
I think that the tougher they are on us, the more in pain they are. I mean, can you imagine being them? I am sure they had regrets and wish they’d done things differently.
But you know, life throws stuff at us and it’s all a learning process. Learning that we would do things differently. Learning that whatever is thrown at us, we will not be a victim and we shall be resilient in the face of adversity later in life.
Yes, I agree. We should be nourished and taught and then leave the nest to be greater. We are lucky for we have seen a side of life that many have not and we have come through it. We’re still standing. And one day, when our strength and resilience is needed, we’ll step up and be there for the world and for others.
Greatly appreciate your kindness and support ❤️