Not So Happy Father's Day

I was in a bad mood on Sunday and I was wondering why. Oh yeah, Father's Day. Everyone posting happy father's day messages everywhere.

Only one person posted an authentic message, her father was not a good man. He did not treat her well. She deserved better.

I'm sure a lot of us had a great dad but the absolute truth is, we are all f**ked up in some way and it's our parents who f**k us up. Mostly subconsciously to be fair.

But they didn't do the work on themselves to be the best they could be. Everyone has their struggles and they take those struggles out on others.

They lash out when in pain at others. Smaller and more innocent than themselves. I was lucky that through working on myself, I could get to understand my father.

And once I understood his journey, then I fully understand why he was the way he was.

These days, when I see people lashing out, I just see someone in their own pain. Struggling and suffering to deal with it.

My dad lost his mum when he was 12. I couldn't think of anything so traumatic. It hit him hard as it would pretty much everyone.

As a young boy, I subconsciously saw this suffering and took it on myself. I wanted to relive him from it.  Lessen his burden. You do that when you love someone.

I carried that deep sadness and sense of loss within me for most of my life until I realised what I had done and was able to release it.

But my dad also fought in a war. I understand the trauma of fighting a vicious bush war where your best mates and getting killed right in front of you. I can't experience it to the same degree that he did. But I understand and I have empathy.

My brother and I were not treated well while growing up but understanding my dad's pain, it makes sense. It wasn't personal. He also lost his dad while I was quite young. That didn't help either.

But my dad still did a lot of great things. I just wish we got that better version of him. He had many talents and gifts.

Painting, photography, math’s, running his own business designing and building amazing bespoke houses. Designing and building dam walls for farmers.

But most of all, he had the biggest snake collection in Southern Africa. Over 150 different snakes. He had incredible knowledge about them and shared this with many interested people.

People looked up to him and sought his knowledge. He would lead field trips looking for snakes. Educate youngsters and inspire them.

But it hurt that we didn't get this version of my dad at home. I was mostly terrified of him.

I'm not sure how my brother felt but possibly similar. He was sent off to boarding school from a very young age.

Parents are not normally deliberately malicious and they want the best for us. However, this doesn't always translate well and they are mostly unconscious as to how and what they are doing affects their kids.

You tell your child they are useless often enough, they will believe it and it will affect them for their rest of their lives.

When I left Zimbabwe and moved to the UK, the only conversations I had with my dad was about his shopping list of stuff he wanted me to send him.

There is some strange phenomena that when people leave a 3rd world country and go to a 1st world country, they all become millionaires overnight. I can promise you that in 99% of cases this is not what happens.

But regardless, I wanted a deeper relationship with my dad. I didn't want to be his personal shopping assistant who also paid for everything. And so, I made the decision that I wasn't going to settle for this and we stopped talking.

As much as I fully understand and empathise with my dad and I have absolutely forgiven him for how he treated me. I still missed out on having a relationship with my dad.

And that’s one thing I really wanted. That’s one thing I find a little unfair. I get that what's done is done but it would have been nice.