An Ancient Tale On The Trap Of Validation

In a world similar to ours, thousands of years ago, there lived a young man. He was keen to be wealthy and to be the strongest and cleverest in his village.

He wanted to be the best. He was constantly driven to work hard and at the same time, show off to the girls. Show them his muscles from all his hard work.

He befriended the elders in the village so that he could gain their favour in the future. In fact, everything he did was for the purpose and him moving up the so called ladder in the village.

He wanted to be the youngest chieftain ever. He wanted everyone to acknowledge his hard work and his cleverness. Now, the man actually came from a tragic family background.

When he was a very young boy, his father had been killed in a war with  a neighbouring tribe. He had barely known his father for he was always away fighting or hunting for food for the village.

He was close to his mother though and they helped each other. He especially tried to comfort his mother when the tragic news came in about his father being killed on the battle field.

He was told that his father and served the village well and they would in turn look after him and his mother. The boy was determined to be a good son in his father's memory.

And so, he worked hard and he wanted to prove to everyone that he was the best. He choose the best looking girl in the village for his wife.

Not because he loved her but because he knew everyone else lusted after her and found her very attractive. She loved him as most of the other girls did but he was more interested in his ambitions in reality.

He went out hunting as his father had done before him. He did get involved in battles but he was more interested in being chief than fighting battles.

And so, he continued to work hard all the time. He had two sons and a daughter but he did not spend a lot of time with them. Just like his father, he was always away.

The elders could see that he was wise and would make a great chief one day. He was a strong warriors. He was always pleasing others.

A number of years later, the chief was very ill and it was time to choose a new chief. Everyone was sure that this young man would become their new chief but he had a number of tests to pass first.

He had to speak to the elders and answer all their questions. He had to be seen to be worthy. He was not worried about this as he had spent much time with them and gained their favour.

However, he also had to go and visit a wise man that lived up in the mountains by himself.

He had never met this wise man and so he didn't know what to expect however, he was confident it would be no different to the elders that lived with them in the village.

And so, one early morning before sunrise, he set off up the twisty mountain path. It took him a few hours to reach the cave where the wise man lived with a few other animals he appeared to have tamed.

The young man had to drink a potion as part of the truth telling ceremony. The wise man began to ask him questions about what he did every day and what his ambitions where.

The young man spoke proudly, speaking of all his accolades. However, then the wise man started asking different questions.

How much time have you spent with your wife and your children.

"I have been too busy fighting battles and hunting for food", replied the young man. "I have not been able to spend much time with them".

"What do you love most about your wife?", asked the wise man.

The man stuttered for a moment but the truth potion man him speak his truth. "I do not love her. I only took her because she was the most beautiful".

The wise man continued, "why do you seek to be the best at everything?"

Again, the man paused but then, "I wish to prove to my father that I am as good as he was. I wish to show everyone that I am worthy of being chief".

The wise man replied, "but my son, your father is dead. How can you prove anything to him if he is no longer with us".

The man was getting uncomfortable now, "I am sure that my father looks down on me from the stars in the sky and sees what I am doing for the village".

The wise man sat for what seemed a very long time. "What do you love doing every day?"

"I am working too hard to be able to do what I love. I have worked hard for many years so that I can become a chief of my village".

Again, the wise man paused and pondered for a long time. The man fidgeted as he became more uncomfortable and was sweating.

Then the wise man spoke again, "if you were on your death bed, what is it that you wish you had done more of?"

Suddenly the man broke down in tears and sobs. He realised that he had missed out on life and love because he was chasing something to make his father proud.

His father that was no longer even alive. The wise man explained that the man had missed out on his father validating him as a young boy and so he had spent the rest of his life trying to get validated.

Trying to be shown to be a great man. But in doing this and chasing this dream of his, he had forgotten the most important job he had.

To love and feel loved. To make his family feel loved and safe. To spend time with his wife to make her feel special and beautiful. For she was his biggest supporter and yet, he hardly noticed her.

To teach his children the way of the world so that they may grow up strong and wise. And so that they may thrive.

His job was to validate them. Now, they were older and he had missed out on seeing them growing up. He had missed out on seeing them running and playing as young children.

Tears streamed down the mans face as he realised all of this. Suddenly he understood that he did not want to be the chief anymore. He simply wanted to love his family before it was too late.

He did not want to live a life of regret. He did not want to miss out on teaching and playing with his children.

Most of all, he didn't want his children and his wife to hate him for never being there  for them. Sure, he brought them food but he did not bring them his presence and love.

The wise man had showed him the error of his ways and now, he ran back home, all ambition forgotten. Hoping with all his heart that his family would allow him back into their lives.

He would have to work hard at this now, more than ever. To gain their trust and love. To get to know them and get them to know him.

Do not work hard and miss out on the most important things that life has to offer you.