Am I Broken?

My Battle with Self-Sabotage and Reclaiming My Passion

I wonder if I am broken. I try get stuff done, but am I really doing anything. Can I just blame my ADHD for being a useless human being.

Am I really achieving anything in my life. Am I really making progress and evolving. Worst of all, am I a hypocrite. I write and talk all the time about what kind of life is available to you.

• That your focus creates your reality.

• That if you take the time to raise your vibration then you can operate at your higher self.

• You can impact other's day but sending them love. Solve problems in your life by sending your enemies love.

But as I sit and ponder and I feel rubbish. I feel like a failure. I am so sick of dealing with people who are unconscious.

They are completely unaware of how they are being and how they are acting in their life. Running around causing collateral damage.

I know I used to be one of these people. I wonder if I still am but I just hide behind a clock of self-importance or illusion that I am any different.

But I am sick of dealing with people who operate at a low level in their life. They don't care about their job and it shows.

We have (only very few to be fair) customers who want stuff for free because they don't see the bigger picture.

They actually know what it takes it run a business because they run a business themselves but then they suddenly seem to forget this when they want free stuff from my business.

And that frustrates me. But then, there is always a solution to these things if we take the time to think about it. Sit down and write out your rules of engagement. Be clear and transparent as to how you operate.

Send this to them and then remind them every two months because I promise you that they will forget.

I guess it comes down to effort. But you know, I spent most of my twenties and thirties working as hard as I could. Pulling 90 hour weeks for years. 70 hour weeks for me was almost cruising.

Working 6 days a week when I had a retail computer shop. Doing whatever it took to build my empire that never really came. Is that why I feel broken.

Have I just completely broken myself and burnt myself out. I have always trained hard, cycling, swimming, running and in the gym. I thank god that I still love doing this.

Although I don't do it at nearly the same level as I used to. But back to work. Some days I just feel so inefficient and feel like I have not achieved anything.

And I am so bored. There are things that I want to do in my life. I call them choices. People who have done the work with William Whitecloud (Natural Success) or Chris Duncan will know what I am talking about.

For example, I choose the end result of facilitating adventures into the wild, creating space for people to discover their truth.

That is one of my 12 choices. This is what I should be putting my focus on. I know it works if I do this but I feel like I deliberately self-sabotage myself.

I get bored and then I realise that I am not focusing on my choices every day. I am not putting my energy into them.

I am not looking for the next action steps and worst of all, not taking any action on them. Then I feel even worse about myself.

It is one thing not to know. But to know and still not do is even worse.

This is when I feel broken and I wonder if I am capable. A belief system that follows me around. I'm not capable and I'm not good enough.

I know that I am responsible for creating what I want in my life. I know that my thoughts and feelings aren't real. They're just made up.

And yet still, I let these belief systems sabotage me and stop me taking action. I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder if there is any way back.

I know that deep down I have this power inside me. I have the ability and the knowledge.

I can see and vividly imagine me taking people on a retreat and teaching them and seeing their faces light up with joy. I can see them having breakthroughs as we work together.

I can see us having fun and enjoying the experience. I can see the positive impact that this has on everyone. Even myself. And yet, it stays in the planning stage. It stays as a future event.

The irony is, that whenever I speak to my coach, I go through all the great things that I have done. But sometimes, I just can't see them and all I see are the things that I haven't done.

And I get frustrated with myself. And I feel like a failure. We live on a razors edge. Tipping one way and then the other.

Feeling amazing at what we have done and the next minute, feeling like a complete failure because we haven't achieved anything. Ying and yang.

Perhaps the key is just being honest with ourselves and having the awareness of our thoughts and identifying what is reality.

What is real and what is fake. Perhaps looking back at what we have accomplished will put us in a better state of mind to push forward.